Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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