Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
