yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
