I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
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I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
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I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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