So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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