just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
