it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
