Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
