Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
