I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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