Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
