I CAN MOONWALK!
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
