I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
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No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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