Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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