you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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