i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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