Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
