Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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