Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
They have beer where we have blood.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
