This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
