sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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