You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
