dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
