You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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