there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
