all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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