life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
