sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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