i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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