Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
