i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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