I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
