you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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