My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
