My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
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i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
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Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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