I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
