I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
