I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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