I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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