so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
