You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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