I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
