You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
