Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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