I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.