PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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