i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
