all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
