I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
