I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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