I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Randomize
