I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
sarcasm needs its own font
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
