Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
