You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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