I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
